Ready? Ok, then.

Anyway, I started working with clients at the ripe old age of 23. No offense to the most worldly and wise of the 23-year-old therapists out there, but I can’t believe those first clients took a gander at me and did anything but hot foot it back out the door. Back then, I looked young for my age, and my graduate school professors not-so-subtly suggested that I might want to purchase a pair of glasses and wear my hair up in order to not appear…well, like a high schooler who was working on some sort of senior project. I am eternally grateful to those first brave souls who allowed me to join in their worlds and share their stories. I think back often on the things those clients taught me about being a person and about being a therapist.

Now that I have been sitting in my therapist’s chair for more than a decade, I wonder if I know more stuff now than I did then. I have certainly been witness to many more tragedies and joys, and partner in reauthoring hundreds of stories that had gotten too old and small for their owners. But still, what is this thing we call therapy? 

1) A unique partnership: At the start of my work with a new client, I imagine the two of us standing at a dock. We figure out how to support one another so that we can both get in the boat, taking turns steadying it and making sure that it’s pointing in the right direction. Then, we sail off towards wherever this person has stated he or she would like to go. I might have a role in helping that person figure out how to hoist the sail or steer the vessel, but the map is always within him or her.

2) An Ongoing Conversation: Therapy is an ongoing conversation with me, sure. But, mostly, it is an ongoing conversation with yourself. I will ask you to identify points in the past that have influenced your current position, and I will ask you how you will know the current situation is improving. Through homework assignments that bridge the gap between the dialogical work we do in session and the interior work you do outside of our meetings, you can keep that conversation firing.

3) Fun: I’m not kidding. I know that nobody ever comes to see me because they’re too happy. I get that, I do. But, I think there is something intellectually and spiritually tasty about getting to know yourself in the company of someone who is interested in you taking that journey. Therapy isn’t just for depression and anxiety, though it is helpful for those things. It is also a place to nurture who you want to be–to get coaching on those topics, and to savor that accomplishment.

What does psychotherapy mean to you? I would love to know how it looks from the other side of the chair.

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

www.lotustherapycenter.com

Holly@lotustherapycenter.com

We relocated to NC because we thought Gabriel and Bastian deserved to grow up in a place that is a little slower. And, boy, have we gotten more than we bargained for on that count. Have you ever heard that saying about the sidewalks rolling up after 6 p.m.? Well, I’m pretty sure that the person who coined that phrase was looking for something to do in Raleigh that doesn’t involve a pub, collegiate sports, or must-see TV. Sweet mother of all that is good and holy, I am bored.

Don’t get me wrong. I still love NC because it is where I grew up, where my family is, and home to some of the nicest people on the face of this planet. Where else do your neighbors actually bring you a cake when you move into your new house? Where else do complete strangers come running up to you in the parking lot, frantic to help you put your cart away when you’re struggling to get a toddler and an infant into your polar bear-murdering lug of an SUV? Nowhere, that’s where. But, I’m still bored. I just moved here from Orlando, for Pete’s sake. We had annual passes to Disney, Sea World and Universal Studios. Please forgive me while I tone my expectations back a notch.

However, there is hope. One day when I was kicking around my neighborhood trying to find some trouble to get into, I stumbled upon the most fabulous used bookstore. My geek gene started humming softly in my ear, and my wallet flew out of my pocket and ran away through the front door. I’ll spare you the armfuls of other books that I adopted that day, but I want to tell you about one really good one that has gotten me thinking about what other things I could be doing with my Mickey Mouseless hours.

“This I Believe” is a book of essays that is about exactly what it sounds like. The book takes it name from a radio series that began in 1951, and highlights the core beliefs of all kinds of Americans. The essays are really short–a page or two–and cover everything from the belief in barbecue to a fundamental faith in kindness. (If you would like to write your own essay, which may be featured on NPR, you can go to http://thisibelieve.org/.)

Anyway, the essay that I have been thinking about today focused on the secret creativity we all have inside us. Author Mel Rusnov is a civil engineer who, “makes a satisfying, comfortable living working quietly in my cubicle.” But, she is more than that. She is also an accomplished pianist, “bringing to life with my own hands, the genius of Bach, Mozart and Chopin.” Rusnov says that we are all narrowly defined by our predictable lives as worker bees and that we can be transformed by the beauty of the talents we allow to lie dormant within us. What should we do with these rich interior lives that cubicle nation has no use for? We should take them out, shine them up and reintegrate them into ourselves. In fact, I that I believe with all my heart.

 I have seen friends, family members and clients remake their own lives into something more satisfying and real by giving themselves permission to participate in the creative pursuits that give them joy. This is meaningful to me these days because I have been contemplating picking up my cello again and getting back into music. Though NC isn’t filled with the kind of recreation I am used to, perhaps I can use this time to return to some parts of myself that have been neglected for too long.

What do you need to do to reclaim your secret creativity?

Your partner in healing,

Holly

www.lotustherapycenter.com

holly@lotustherapycenter.com

 Today I was pondering how you know that the work that you do, whatever it is, is what you’re supposed to be doing. And, honestly, I don’t think that you have to be slogging away at something fancy or world-saving to find meaning in your job. I was quickly disabused of that notion by my sweet friend Marta, who cleaned my house for me while I was a studying for my doctoral degree. I asked Marta once (like the arrogant know-it-all most clinical graduate students are) if cleaning houses had always been what she wanted to do with her life. You can see where I’ m going with this–it hadn’t occurred to me that someone would want to commit herself to that. I assumed she must have been trapped into this by dire circumstance. But Marta told me that ever since she was a child, she had taken great pleasure in putting things in order. She said that she views what she does for her clients as a something therapuetic for them. Marta loved to go home and know that we were walking back into homes that were organized, clean and healthy. And, she got to own her own business and make her own hours. In other words, Marta is probably doing people as much good in her profession as I am in mine. Seriously, if anybody in Ft. Lauderdale needs a house tender, Marta is your gal.

If I am fortunate in anything in my life, it is that I know what my life’s work is supposed to be. I love being a therapist, and the idea of doing absolutely anything else is strange and terrifying. Do you know what you’re supposed to be doing? Here’s some questions to ask yourself as you’re on the path to discovery:

1) What would be different about your life if you loved your work?

2) If you journeyed into the forbidden territory of your best hopes for your life (the ones we don’t dare let ourselves entertain because they sound too far-fetched) what would you unearth?

3) What emotions do you need to clear about yourself before you can think critically about your future? (Regret, anxiety, self-loathing)

4) How can you reframe that best hope so that it or some part of it is possible? For instance, I considered going to school to be an OBGYN. Since I am interested in women’s issues I do postpartum counseling.

5) What skills do you need to develop to trust yourself to make new goals for the future?

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

www.lotustherapycenter.com

holly@lotustherapycenter.com

Since I have moved, I have passed the torch on to Dr. Leslie Hamilton. She is lovely, and you’ll really like her a lot. For more information about dates and times for the Central Florida Pet Loss Support Group, please contact Leslie at:

So while I’m waiting for my NC license to be delivered from the powers that be (and the powers that be are a board of people who don’t even meet again until mid-November!!!) I have been listening to music and thinking about death. No, I’m serious. I have seriously been compulsively playing  Beck songs, cleaning this goliath of a house, and wondering if the end is nigh.

When my clients come in with anxiety issues, I more than sort of get that because I have always been a little high-strung myself. But, despite that, I am a cup-half-full kind of gal. And, I have mostly figured that God likes me where I am for the moment and isn’t sending a divine lightening bolt anytime soon. I mean, why would he/she/it allow me to have two beautiful children, complete more college than anyone should endure, and move back to the home of my youth only to casually, and suddenly smite me? That was what I was thinking when I went to the ER a few months ago with pain in my gut that hurt more than labor did. As I sat there shaking and vomiting (classy, I know, but I want you to get the full picture) in the exam room, I assumed I had some kind of roided-out flu bug. But, the doctor comes back and tells me that I have a “mass” in my gallbladder and he thinks it’s probably cancer because of its unusual size. Yeah, he really said that. I remember blinking my eyes open and shut, open and shut like a cartoon character caught on the cusp of a big fall. I was hanging out there above the landscape below, gasping for air like terrified fish. Then, he sent me back for an abdominal scan where I attempted to lay very still in that horrible, loud tube. It was a week before I could get in to see a surgeon who examined my scans and told me that the ER doctor was an alarmist jerk and I only had gallstones that had fused together to form one mass.. I collapsed in his arms sobbing gooey, snotty tears into his crisp white coat. Yeah, he thought that was gross too, but I appreciated the take-one-for-the-medical-team pat on the back he gave me anyway.

So, to make a long story short, my surgeon snatched out my gallbladder, gave me some fun meds, and that was the end of the whole thing. Well, at least it was the end of it physically. Emotionally, and spiritually, that experience of believing I had a rare and deadly form of cancer has lingered on with me still. Never before have I better understood clients who whisper that they have a black cloud hanging over their heads…or feel similarly suspended–paralyzed as though something terrible is about to happen. I must admit, I have wondered (ok, ruminated about) what other silent secrets my body is harboring. My primary care doctor is a lovely man who not only went to Princeton, but also tells me to call him John instead of doctor something or other, and sympathetically hands you a tissue when you freak out about said hidden health boogie men in your routine yearly exam. And, he’s right– the best I can do is take good care of my health and stress levels and keep on keepin’ on.

So, you might be wondering why you’re reading a random personal blog amid the sea of professional advice usually found on this blog. I’m not really sure why, actually. Perhaps it’s because my usual blog posts are born out of an experience I’ve had in session that week with a client, and in the absence of regular practice-related experiences you get this instead. Or, perhaps, it’s because I am suddenly thinking over the clients and friends who have faced real, awful health issues and I am suddenly humbled with empathy. Either way, I hope that all of you out there are taking good, good care of yourselves.

You Partner in Healing,

Holly

www.lotustherapycenter.com

holly@lotustherapycenter.com

I don’t believe a stress-free life is possible, or even desirable. But, if we manage to lessen the things we “must” do down to the things that we have to do in order to be responsible, moral, and happy then we probably have a toehold on a pretty good life. Where are you overcommited?

1) Create more open spaces in your life: I don’t mean that in the literal sense. Though, if any of you wants to come and clean off the clutter of my toddler’s two-year-old birthday party (that was three days ago) I will be eternally grateful. What I mean is that Americans are waaaaaaay, waaaaaaay, too scheduled. We schedule ourselves into the ground at work, our religious centers, and with friends. But worst of all, we overschedule our children so much that there are whole families of sad, emotionally-winded people. Not to be a killjoy, but I am watching my fellow mommy friends put their toddlers into sports, music, art, and a host of other “lessons” and “learning opportunities.” Poppycock! I would rather sit with Gabe and dig in the dirt for three hours then listen to someone else tell me how to stimulate him to the ends of the earth. In my years of practice I have noticed that the children of all ages that are happiest are the ones who spend time with their folks. Period. They have, perhaps, a few activities to beef up the ol’ college resume, but that’s it. Take that time you were going to spend ferrying Jr. to freestyle football dance class and each of you read your own book on the couch, no cell phones. Now, that’s happiness. And literacy…but that’s probably another blog post.

2. Practice Gratitude: I believe that one of the single, best tools you can create for yourself is a gratitude journal. Take a few moments at some point during the day (I do it through an ap on my Iphone) to write down what’s going well and to thank God, the universe, or whatever floats your boat for the lovely things. I know this is a post about editing down your life, and I believe that this is a great way to do it. There are a few people (who shall remain nameless in case they read this blog) who really manage to push my buttons every time I see them. Seriously, even the therapist needs to go out back and have a quiet moment of resisting homicide sometimes. But, after that’s taken care of, I deliberately turn my focus instead to the myriad of people who are blessings to me. If I don’t do that, I for one, can ruminate. Unless it really is time for you to face a particular person or issue and make a big change–and by all means, don’t let me stop you–learn to pay attention to things that will water your emotional garden rather than grow weeds in it.

3) Have some Boundaries: Those people who know me might sometimes accuse me of being a raging liberal. On some points, I am. But I also think we live in an age of odd moral relativism. I know I’ll take some fire for that, but I don’t care. There are some things that you should do as a human being because they’re the right things to do. These include spending time with your children, keeping your commitment to your spouse or partner, and treating absolutely everyone else in your life the way you would want to be treated. If you’re lying, cheating, being a bully, and in general living in a selfish way you know who you are. Excuses like rotten parents, ugly breakups, and the whole host of other ills people use to justify mean-spirited selfishness just make the justifiers feel worse. If you’re haunted by something go ahead and get some help. Take care of it and choose not to perpetuate the emotional devestation that injured you. And, if you’re mollycoddling people like this you’re not helping them–you’re allowing them to remain emotionally handicapped and that is not kindness, it’s  facilitating a delay of their healing.

So, that’s it for me tonight. Happy editing to us both!

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

www.lotustherapycenter.com

holly@lotustherapycenter.com

If you would like a free, 30-minute consultation to learn more about how counseling can be helpful to you, please don’t hesitate to call me at 407.913.4988 or email me at holly@lotustherapycenter.com.

1) She likes me, she really likes me:  It’s only human to want your therapist to like you best. Seriously, you’re in there pouring your souls out to a person you’ve hired to make your life better. Who wouldn’t want that person to be you cheerleader #1? But, couples hire therapists to be on the side of the relationship. So, if your therapist is challenging you about some aspect of the way you participate in coupledom it’s not because she hates you. It’s because she sees how you can make this strange beast–the relationship–even better, and she wants to help you hold up your end of the bargain. Give good feedback to your therapist and your partner about how the experience of processing your part of the couples conundrum is feeling for you. If the therapist starts to bring up feelings similar to the ones you feel with your partner, then take that opportunity to get to the bottom of how those emotions come up in you, and how you can work with your partner to address them successfully.

2) The truth, the whole truth, and nothin’ but the truth: Sometimes couples therapy doesn’t happen soon enough, or the problems are grevious enough that the relationship falls apart anyway. But, as a therapist, what really roasts my chestnuts is when folks come in to drop their partners off with me. They make a drive-by pass at couples therapy so they can say they tried it, and ultimately really want to make sure their partner has someone to fall back on when they do what they were planning on doing anyway–leaving. If you know you’re undecided about continuing on in the partnership, let your therapist know so that she can talk with you and your partner honestly about how difficult and heartbreaking that limbo experience must be.

3) Keep it in your pants: Many therapists will keep secrets for clients who are carrying on affairs behind their partners’ backs. I have a strict policy against this. Therapy is a great vehicle for working out issues of infidelity and finding healing for both the person who stepped outside the union and the betrayed partner. However, this can only happen if everyone knows that the infidelity has occurred. If you come to therapy and haven’t yet told your spouse, I will be glad to work with you towards doing that in a sensitive way. However, I will not help you continue to lie to your partner.

4) A bushel and a peck: My couples clients know that I usually take a backwards in approach. Rather than working on the really big issues first (which will be there anyway, I promise) I usually start with figuring out how communication has broken down, and give assignments to work on this. I once heard this described as looking at the tree rather than focusing on the fruit.

5) Do your homework: I give clients homework between sessions to build a bridge between meetings and keep the fires of learning stoked. If you’re cooking, you don’t turn on the stove and then turn it off…and then turn it on…and then turn it off. I assume that if we have stirred up difficult emotions during session, that it is in your best interests to continue to work through these collaboratively outside of session as well. Just coming in once a week for an hour-long conversation is not enough. Believe me,  I am helping you have a shorter, more cost-effective course of therapy this way. I ask clients to email me their homework before session so that I can have a chance to read and reflect upon it before we meet again. This way, I will have a bridge between sessions too, and be ready to hit the ground running with the progress you have made when we’re not together.

So, there you have it–a cheat sheet for getting the most out of your couples counselor. Good luck!

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

www.lotustherapycenter.com

If you would like to take advantage of a FREE 30-minute consultation to see how therapy can improve your life, just drop me a line at holly@lotustherapycenter.com or call (407)-913-4988.

Recent research on the nature of father-child bonds has come up with some really cool results about the importance of the old man in our children’s lives.  Let’s celebrate the awesomness of dad– here are just a few bits of the data that are emerging.

* Fathers help bolster children’s cognitive capacities, especially verbal skills. Researchers at the University of Chapel Hill have discovered that though fathers speak fewer words to their children, fathers (not mothers) largely determine their children’s language development by age three. Researchers attribute this to fathers’ tendency to ask more questions and ask for additional clarification from their children. The folks conducting the study thought this might be because mothers understood their toddler’s utterances better, and thus did not push children for longer explanations.

*Researchers have found that kids who have stable, involved dads fare better on nearly every measurement that researchers have studied. Children whose fathers are very engaged in their lives are more confident, display more self-control, and are less likely to act out in school.

*Fathers have a different style of play than mothers and are more likely to encourage their kids to take on risks and challenges. Researchers report that men have less predictable play patterns, and that presenting kids with surprises rather than conventional games may boost children’s problem-solving skills.

There you have it–proof positive that when your dad asks you to explain yourself for the 10th time, or risk life and limb in some bizarre yard clearing event (maybe that’s just me) he’s actually building your brain. I hope all the fathers out there had a wonderful day, and will continue to invest in their kids all year ’round.

Your partner in healing,

Holly

www.lotustherapycenter.com

*If you would like to come in for a free consultation to see how therapy might be helpful for you, please call me at (407) 913-4988, or email me at holly@lotustherapycenter.com.

Each summer, I lower my price by $20 per session from May until September. If you would like to take advantage of this, just give me a ring or drop me a line and we’ll chart a course towards getting your summer off right!