Detoxing your Emotional System December 7, 2009

I’m sitting here writing this post with a piece of celery in one hand, and a glass of water in the other. This is a big accomplishment, since I would fully rather be hanging out with one of Starbuck’s finest soy lattes and a giant croissant. In fact, I should probably stop writing about the giant croissant (yum) and the delicious, frothy, sweet… Ok, really–I have to stop.

You see, I have realized that I want to continue to improve my overall wellness, and to do so I have contracted the services of a very nice, though disciplined personal trainer. I wanted to increase accountability in an area of my life in which I enjoy some guidance and support. And, to help maximize my efforts (or to relentlessly torture me) my trainer, Roland, has suggested a 3-day juice fast. I would have argued with him about that, but my legs hurt too much to chase him down and complain.

I find that mental health is like physical health. We develop habits and compulsions that are sometimes not good for us. That delicious croissant provides a measure of security and comfort as I eat it…and then immediately takes it away again when I put on my jeans and feel self conscious about how they fit. Similarly, many emotional habits can provide the same sort of one step forward, two back kinds of results. There are some things you need to start the detox process with right away. Here are my top three:

1) Drugs and Alcohol: Substances are fantastic. If you want to feel different, they can provide an immediate gateway to do so. But, they insidiously steal your power by getting you to believe that the only avenue towards feeling better is by quick, mainline methods. The truth is, you can deal with emotional overwhelm, shyness, depression, and anxiety in a number of different and more satisfying ways. But, this requires figuring out how to maximize your self-evaluation so you feel capable of doing it. It’s true that vodka and cocaine will always produce the desired “difference” if you take enough. But it leaves you like superman looking for a phone booth. You rely on an outside prop to effect the transformation. Let’s work on having that transformation come from within so that you can access it anytime, even if Leroy’s Liquor Store is closed for the evening.

2) Self-Injuring Behaviors: Self-injuring behaviors are absolutely addictive. Just like taking drugs, the act of self harm can release a chemical cascade within the body that makes you feel better and keeps you coming back for more. Most clinicians define self-injurious behaviors mainly as cutting or burning and excessive hair pulling or plucking. I include severe overeating, bulimia, and anorexia in with the group. Again, it is an attempt to change your inner landscape by working on the terrain of your body. Addictive behaviors like these are so harmful because of a real sense of shame perpetuates them. I think they are interesting though, in that the attempt to feel worse or better is a holistic one, involving both the mind and the body. In a perverse sense this is right track thinking done in a very negative way. Let’s keep the holistic mentality that both mind and body should be involved and turn it on its head. How can your therapy detox help you face the emotional toxins that are haunting you so that you can get mind and body on a track to wellness?

3) Poor Relationships: Clients often come to see me to break their addiction to people who treat them poorly. This could take many forms. Often, clients are baffled about why they fail to set boundaries with their families, accept friends who never offer reciprocal support, and choose partners who serially cheat, abuse, and lie. These folks are often living in a fog of misplaced control issues, guilt, and fear. If you don’t know how you participate in relationships, then how can you ever get clear about choosing people who will participate in a complimentary way?

So, why not come in for a preliminary appointment and see  how you can get the new year started off on the right foot?  You’ll start anew, detoxed from your negative emotions and ready to fill your life with truly good, nutritious emotional energy!

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

www.lotustherapycenter.com

TwitterID: HollyCoxLMFT

If you would like a FREE 30-MINUTE CONSULTATION to see how I can fit into your plans for a more balanced, joyful life please give me a call at (407) 913-4988 or email holly@lotustherapycenter.com.

Free Central Florida Pet Loss Support Group November 28, 2009

I just want to remind everyone that the FREE CENTRAL FLORIDA PET LOSS SUPPORT GROUP meets the second Tuesday of every month. I love the group (and our long-standing members) so much, that it is truly on of the joys of my practice.

The group meets in my office at 1850 Lee Road in Winter Park at 7 p.m. for one hour. New members are invited to talk about the companion animal they have lost, or to simply sit and listen as others share. We also share pictures, drawings, poems, or any other kind of memento that serves as a special connection to the pet. Those who are anticipating a loss are also welcome to attend.

Collecting Good Vibrations October 14, 2009

Everyone collects something. I’ve known people who amass tons of all kinds of stuff. For instance, my mother in law used to collect chickens, and a friend of mine has a truly spectacular number of mermaids swimming across every surface of her townhouse. Me, I’m a bibliophile. I collect books. And, not just any kind of books, but books that are devoted to quick, uplifting sayings. When we move house my husband, poor pack mule that he becomes, often longs for the days when I collected tiny cow figurines instead. (Just as a side note, when someone gave me a figurine of a cow paddling a gondola in full Venetian garb, I realized that it was time to hang up the hooves.)

I am one of those people who truly believes that in every systemic fashion possible, what we put in is what we get back out again. The world is full of nasty news and draining statistics. Today alone, I learned that teens in Deerfield Beach set another child on fire, that a young woman was murdered by her boyfriend, and that SIDS can be caused by cosleeping with your children. That’s enough to make one heart heavy for four people. While it will never satisfy the old journalist in me to block out the news completely, I have learned to balance my intake of disempowering factoids with good intellectual and spiritual fuel.

A few of my favorite authors are Thich Nhat Hanh, Joel Osteen, Iyanla Vanzant and Schmuley Boteach. Clients have recommended Louise Hay and a host of other authors to round out my collection. If you face difficult decisions it’s always better to approach them with information that promotes feelings of resourcefulness, hope, and agency. What are your favorite authors? I’m always looking to pad my shelves!

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

www.lotustherapycenter.com

*If you would like a FREE 30-MINUTE CONSULTATION to see if I might be a good fit for your needs,  please contact me at (407) 913.4988 or write to holly@lotustherapycenter.com.

Orlando Group Therapy/Counseling for Women October 13, 2009

Every now and again, clients ask me to start a round of group therapy around a particular issue. Lately, the requests have centered around groupwork for women. I really love to lead groups, and only have my free pet loss group going at the moment, so it’s time to get another counseling group going.

Groupwork is a good choice for many people because it is cheaper than individual therapy. And, it fosters a sense of community that helps you understand that you are not alone with these issues, but rather one of many resourceful people who have faced something similar. I am considering organizing this new group around relationship concerns. But, I’m open to feedback from you folks about what would be helpful. I’m willing to offer a $10 off discount to the first 5 women who express interest.

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly
www.lotustherapycenter.com
*If you would like a FREE 30-MINUTE CONSULTATION to see if I might be the right fit for you, please feel free to drop me a line at holly@lotustherapycenter.com or call (407) 913-4988

Anger Management For Adolescents September 13, 2009

Is your child rude, difficult to talk to, or sad? We all recognize the most noticeable face of anger; those behavioral problems that manifest as blowups. But, anger can translate not only as an overtly aggressive child, but also as one who withdraws and refuses to communicate. If you feel like there is more going on with your kid than meets the eye, you may be right to be concerned.

Though kids may not appreciate parents’ interference in their affairs, it’s better to confront these cries for help before they escalate. As always, the litmus test for making any decision in your child’s welfare is evaluating if that child will appreciate you for it when he or she is an adult. No teenager will thank you for limiting his or her freedoms now, because that is counter to their developmental level. But no 25-year-old I have ever met inside my therapy room or out has been thankful to parents for allowing them to experience things (drugs, sex, autonomy) they later realize they were not ready to handle. So, with that in mind, here are a few tips for helping your angry teen.

1) Limit the number of violent things they watch/listen to/play: Experts estimate that the average teen has seen thousands of violent deaths depicted in tv, movies, and video games by the time he or she turns 18. We would be foolish to think that this does not desensitize our children to glamorized shows of anger. Think carefully not just about what you are allowing your teen to absorb through his or her media choices, but also about what they can be exposed to when they are at their friends’ houses as well. Keep tabs on who they hang out with, where, and talk to them about how to make good choices when they are not with you.

2) Be a good role model: Kids will do as you do, not as you say. If you routinely lose your temper, become angry and aggressive in traffic, yell at or hit your partner/spouse (or allow him or her to do this to you), and are rude and dismissive towards service people, your child will always model that behavior. They learn how to manage conflict and mediate stressful emotions from you. Consider yourself the architect of the blueprint for how your kids will treat their future employees, spouses, and children. If you need to get help to manage your own levels of stress and acting out, tell your kids that you are doing so, and then really do it. Parents are not to blame for all of their children’s problems. Certainly, some kids come into the world with tendencies that will be expressed in their behaviors. But, parents often have more influence over their children then they realize. Use it wisely.

3) Help your kids feel empowered: Resolving anger isn’t just about decreasing negative behaviors. It’s about increasing self-esteem so that kids feel positive about themselves and have more options in lieu of the bad behaviors. If your child is being bullied at school, be proactive about making it stop. If your child is the bully at school, help him or her get into counseling immediately. Some kids have a more difficult time fitting in at school than others. If your child is one of those kids, help him or her find another outlet like art, dance, sports, or youth groups at your place of worship.

4) Help your kids unplug and be part of the family: In the old days, when kids left school, all further communication with their friends had to go through the family phone. Now, teens are connecting around the clock via private cell phones with texting and social networking sites. The high drama of being a teen with any sort of social life needs to be mediated by the unconditional love and positive regard of being part of a family. Though they don’t know it, kids benefit from time to decompress from constant social interaction with their peers. If you’re not the one talking to your kid about his or her day, putting it all into perspective, and giving advice, someone else (much younger and less wise) will be doing it.

If you have any questions about how you can help your kid get off to a good start this school year and keep the momentum going, please feel free to drop me an email or give me a ring.

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

If you would like a FREE 30-minute consultation to see if I might be a good fit for your counseling needs, please call me at 407.913.4988 or email holly@nova.edu.

www.lotustherapycenter.com

I want to pump you up–stong parenting for healthy families August 6, 2009

I love the fall. Not for all the reasons you’re thinking, though pumpkin pie and fall leaves do rate highly on my list. It’s my favorite time of the year because the fall months seem to bring an sharp uptick in the amount of family therapy I get to do. As I prepare to help the parents and kids who come through my doors, here are a few of the tips I’ll be offering up to clients.

1) Kids need strong parents: It’s not enough to encourage your children to eat their vegetables, work hard, and help those less fortunate than them. You must embody it yourself. If you do not have the self-esteem and vision to make a decent stab at accomplishing those things in your own life, you are diluting the strength of your message and robbing  them of something important. Children view themselves as extensions of you and the family (regardless of what they say to your face) and will emulate the example you set for them. If that example is that smart people with good sense doubt themselves or fail to strive to better themselves they will do as you do not as you say. I realize this is rather strongly-worded, but I say it because I believe in you. Most parents have greater reservoirs of courage, spunk, and sense than they give themselves credit for possessing.

2. You’re going to have to be the bad guy sometimes: The parents I sympathize with the most, and have the most difficulty helping come to the light in therapy, are those who would prefer to be their kids’ “best friend.” I think that friendship with your child in the sense of creating an open-door policy that encourages them to talk with you about whatever may be troubling them is the highest standard of what a parent can create in a family ecosystem. However, this is often confused with a particularly dangerous trait of needing your kids to like your decisions (and by extension, you) all the time. Ironically, the kids who resent their parents least when they have reached adulthood are those who had a sense of structure, healthy boundaries, and clear expectations. Your kids will not thank you down the road for allowing them to experience things that they will later realize they were too young to experience. This includes staying out very late, sex, drugs, alcohol, pornography, and a host of other stuff that your child may think he or she is ready for now, but does not have the maturity to process. If you know you are struggling with falling into the ‘popular parent’ trap, then get help now in the form of a strong support system for yourself. This can be individual or couples counseling, parenting support groups, clergy, or simply good friends with whom you can discuss the ins and outs of parenting.

3) Quantity beats quality many days of the week: I’m not suggesting that you spend all your time with Jr. vegged out on the couch. But, kids who do are higher-functioning have parents who are involved most of the hours that they possibly can be during the day. This means eating together, running errands together, taking walks after dinner together, attending religious services together, washing rover together, etc, etc, etc. Your kids may not love it at the time, but it has been my observation that families who spend more time together raise kids with less promiscuity, better grades, and fewer substance abuse issues.

If you have any tips about keeping your family on the right track, I would love to hear them!

Your partner in Healing,

Holly

If you would like a FREE 30-MINUTE CONSULTATION to see if I might be a good fit for your goals and concerns, please contact me at holly@lotustherapycenter.com or 407-913-4988.

www.lotustherapycenter.com

Infidelity Wired: A Counselor’s Perspective on Online Affairs July 10, 2009

This morning a reporter from Channel 6 called to ask me my opinion about a website that has gotten quite a bit of press lately, www.ashleymadison.com. I almost hesitate to even put the link here because I would be loathe to think that I actually helped anyone find this site and consider using it. However, after a busy morning, I might have been too late  in returning that reporter’s message to make it on the air.  Just in case they run the story without me, here are my thoughts on the topic.

For the uninitiated, this website is the newest form of online matchmaker. Think eHarmony or match.com fueled by a liberal dose of predatory immorality. The sole purpose of this  site to help married people hook up with others (married or not) for  affairs. Think I’m exaggerating? The catchphrase is “Life is short. Have an affair.”

Now, I’m no prude. I’ve worked with clients who have a variety of sexual lifestyles, and it’s not ordinarily my place to judge them. But this is not about lifestyle choices between consenting adults. It’s designed to keep one partner in the dark about the sexual activities of the other, and apparently helps thousands of people abandon all notion of working out differences in an explicit way. Furthermore, the maker of the site, Noel Biderman, uses the negative press generated by the discussion of his website to exemplify the old adage about any publicity being good publicity. I’ve seen interviews with this guy and I think he’s absolutely ghoulish–dancing on the graves of destroyed families for personal profit. Biderman seems blissfully unclear why  broken homes and children who must suffer through the divorces of their parents should be any deterrent to making some quick cash. If there is such a thing as karma, we all better stand back. This guy is in for a real whammy!

The internet has changed the face of marriage because it allows for emotional affairs via email, chat, and webcam that can quickly become real-life encounters with people that you might never meet in your everyday experiences. The Ashely Madison site is a sterling example of how someone recognized this new frontier and decided to make money off of it. Going online brings up issues that didn’t exist in the past when there was simply one family phone in the house and written mail came to the door. How do we negotiate the amount of privacy we want for our email inboxes, the sites we visit, or the content we view? To what degree do our spouses have “right” to know what we’re up to when that mouse is in our hands?

In the past, affairs were largely opportunistic, started with someone a person knew from work, circle of friends, or religious institution. But that also came with a certain amount of risk.  People might start to notice, and word might eventually get out to one’s partner. Now, sites like Ashley Madison inject another layer of privacy into the endeavor of infidelity and play to the consumerism  that Americans fall prey to so easily. It’s like a fast food affair: place your order, browse the menu on the site, and indulge in whatever flavors you think aren’t available at home.

The Ashely Madison commercials suggest that we have a  ’right to be happy’ in a way that is individually determined,  and that happens in a vacuum from the people that we love. However, unless you grew up alone in the wilderness, you know this is not possible. We have to make choices in our lives between the types of happiness that we want. Some are mutually exclusive despite what marketers would have you believe.

My clients know that I believe in absolute transparency with online activities. I think that partners in established, commited relationships do have a right to know what the other person is looking at, with whom they are talking, and about what. That inevitably makes me unpopular with some people in my therapy room. No, I do not believe you have a sovereign right to have your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend on your MySpace friends list if your husband or wife doesn’t like it. Nope, I don’t think that chatting online (or texting) with that cute guy from work after hours is OK. I think that at the bottom of it all, human beings are incredibly complex and gorgeously emotional. If we want to stay married (or committed) we have to respect that temptations exist not because we’re bad, but because we’re curious, sexual, vibrant beings. If we don’t create boundaries for ourselves and our families, problems will crop up quickly, and vultures  like Noel Biderman will be waiting to seduce us with the promise of a quick thrill.

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

If you would like a FREE 30-minute consultation to see if I might be a good fit for your concerns and goals please contact me at 407.913.4988 or holly@lotustherapycenter.com.

www.lotustherapycenter.com

Tales of Anxiety and Advertising July 7, 2009

In general, I don’t expect people to come through my door and tell me stories of happiness and satisfaction. (At least in the early stages of therapy anyway.) But lately I have noticed a trend in my clients that is more than a little disturbing. They come to counseling rife with complaints that must be completely annihilated before happiness can ensue. Don’t get me wrong–I’m all for a big ol’ dose of the smiles. But, I don’t believe that we should all wait until our lives are tidy piles of organized bliss to take ownership of contentment or satisfaction. I’m reminded of a song lyric that goes something like,”life’s a journey, not a destination.”

For most of us to feel better we must get away from the idea that we must be anxiety-free. There is no such thing, and whoever told you there is needs to have his or her hands spanked. We are wired to be alert to our surroundings and to respond appropriately when in danger. That requires the tightening of muscles and cascade of bodily chemicals we all try to meditate, exercise, and generally voodoo ourselves out of feeling. This begs the question of how we moderate our stress and balance our lives without expectations of perfection that make us crazy. I am not suggesting that we all sit tight and bite the bullet when we feel anxious. But, I am curious how we can start to view mental health as integrative rather than an all-or-nothing affair.

Of course, everything in moderation, right? That’s right–even feeling crumby sometimes. Authors John Forsyth and Georg Eifert point out that we live in a “culture of feel-goodism” that robs us of our ability to take anything in stride. Media outlets everywhere keen to market their products tell us that we should feel, look, and be better and better all the time. Why, if we aren’t totally satisfied at any given moment we must seize that moment and dress it up with food, stuff, or experiences.  Poppycock! ( And boy, do I know of what I speak. I’m fighting off a commercial-induced Dairy Queen craving right now.)

I encourage you to take a look at what thoughts prevent you from living right here, right now. If you have a commitment to some far off goal of delirious joy that must be achieved before you can savor the moment, please slow down a bit. The way anxiety (and depression and a host of other maladies) rob us of our joy is by making us believe that where and who we are are not good enough. Isn’t it funny how popular advertising mimics mental illness?

The individuals that I know who are truly happy are not problem-free. Rather, they are free from the burdens of believing that they must never feel overwhelmed again to be happy. That is the perfectionistic demon of anxiety talking, and it has a loud voice.

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

If you would like a FREE 30-minute consultation, please contact me at 407.913.4988 or holly@nova.edu.

www.lotustherapycenter.com

Lessons from a Long Weekend July 6, 2009

I hope everyone had a nice 4th of July! We spent ours eating too many hot dogs and frying ourselves in the sun. What better way is there to commemorate any holiday?

I don’t know about y’all, but that long weekend couldn’t come too soon. Though I used to be a total workaholic, I can’t hang like I used to years ago. Now, I am reasonably selective about the hours that I keep at my practice. I love what I do and I want to keep it that way. However, last week I decided to pinch hit for a friend and facilitate challenging, court-madated groups in his practice. Of course, that was along with managing my regular clients at Lotus. Whew,  was I tired by the end!

That experience got me thinking about self-care and how we integrate it into our lives.  Finding an oasis for ‘me time” as you run after dogs, kids, coworkers, and partners can seem nearly impossible. But, research from a variety of different disciplines points out that we are unable to function at out best if we don’t recharge and refuel. I don’t need to go to the lives of my clients to find out that many of us don’t do that–I struggle with it myself. I have discovered  that those of us in caring professions are the absolute worst at taking time for ourselves. I have had the pleasure to work with a good number of other helpers in my practice and have noticed that counselors and nurses seem to be the worst at saying ‘yes’ to themselves. There appears to be something about self-nurturing  that feels like self-indulgence for them. They are usually the clients that I worry most about when they leave because they burn the candle at both ends at home and at work.

So, as the summer continues to march along, let’s remember to fill up our own tanks so that we can continue to interact with others in the caring manner to which we are accostomed.

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

If you would like a FREE 30-minute consultation, please feel free to contact me at holly@lotustherapycenter.com or 407.913.4988

www.lotustherapycenter.com

FREE Pet Loss Support Group Time Change April 11, 2009

The FREE Pet Loss Support Group is now going to be on the second Tuesday of every month. There is no cost for this session, and the group lasts for 50 minutes. If it will be your first time with us, please shoot me an email at holly@lotustherapycenter or call me at 407-913-4988 so that I can get a head count.  Also, there because I am attempting to make this a community of pet lovers who support one another, there is a group set up for these meetings on www.meetup.com. You can look up Central Florida Pet Loss Group and find our group page once you get to that site. A few of the veteran group members are members on the meetup site. There is a message board set up so that we can share information including articles or other resources that might be helpful.

I would be delighted if you could bring a photo of the pet you lost, but it is not a requirement. We love to see who we’re talking about. Please pass this information around!

Your Partner in Healing,  Holly