Have you ever had that feeling that someone is looking over your shoulder all the time? Not just in that casual, “Hey buddy, whatcha up to” sort of way. But, I mean really examining what you do, taking notes worthy of a Times reporter, and then filing them away for a scathing critique that will be splashed on the front page of every daily rag in your state?
Welcome to the world of the perfectionist. It’s a place of hot fires at every turn that never get put out completely. It’s about never feeling good enough, and being terrified that other people will figure out you’re not good enough. Worst of all, it’s a place where you can never ask for help because then you would be back where you started—worried that others will find you sorely lacking. That’s to say nothing of the constant evaluation you may do of everyone else. It’s like having a built-in sonar for mistakes that never stops ringing in your ears. Really, a drive for perfection is anxiety dressed up in a fancy coat. See, what can you get from this blog if not strong clinical descriptions?
I’m not sure why this cultural phenomenon is happening, but I have noticed that a good deal of coverage has been cropping up about this topic in the media. From BBC reports to articles in pop-psychology magazines like Psychology Today, the world is starting to take notice. There is some debate about this compelling urge to master everything. Is it a socially constructed issue nurtured in the bosom of the family unit, or is it one of a genetic origin (which the big pharma companies would love)? For what it’s worth, my experience has been that it is probably a bit of both. Some folks are wired to be a bit more highly strung than others, and those traits can be developed just as any other could be depending on the values of the larger family system. At any rate, there is a growing hubbub about including this particular “problem” in the litany of maladies codified for our diagnosing pleasure in the big bible of mental health issues—the DSM-IV.
However, just for kicks and giggles, let’s say you don’t have a huge, looming disorder with a capital D. (Since I, for one, don’t think viewing it that way will be particularly helpful.) Let’s say that you have gotten too good at solving a problem, and have instead developed a solution that now bites you back rather than protecting you and stabilizing your world. Assuming that your drive to be the best of the rest is an adaptive response that has gotten out of hand, what to do?
- See it in Black and White: I usually don’t extend an invitation to either/or thinking, but consider this your one opportunity. It might be helpful to break your perfectionistic tendencies down into a series of pros and cons. There are probably some ways that these attributes work for you (great attention to detail) and others in which they don’t (you’re so bogged down in detail you can’t get anything done). Take a good look at how ready you are to release some of the control you associate with doing everything the “right way.” What are your very worst fears about what might happen if you soften your grip? Until you address those big fears about the ‘pros’ associated with perfectionism, you’re likely to be unable to step away from it.
- Perfect your technique: Consider the irony of the typical person who comes for therapy to address a great drive to perfect everything. She doesn’t really want to be less perfect, she wants to be more perfect at not getting anxious about being perfect. (Go ahead, read that last sentence again.) Think about what therapy or any other form of relaxation and reflection is really meant to encourage in your life. Are you using it to plant more roses in your life garden or only to pull out a few vexing weeds? If you only do one without the other, your life will continue to be a barren landscape without much color. And, if being perfect does anything, it robs you of the ability to see the beauty of your own life. Everything gets funneled into a very narrow frame.
- Take of the Blinders: Being a perfectionist is like taking a drive in the country with all your windows blocked. Think about what might be/feel different if you were to focus on the process of something rather than the results. How would that make a difference in your anxiety?
Your Partner in healing, Holly
If you would like to schedule an appointment or a free 15-minute phone consultation please feel free to phone 407.913.4988 or email holly@lotustherapycenter.com.
Tags: Anxiety, perfectionism, Stress
