There is something about the term “blended family” that makes me hungry. It sounds like something I could go down to my local smoothie shack and order up with extra strawberries and whipped cream. If I ever open that combination café / therapy office I have been dreaming about for so long, you can guarantee that’s the first thing I’ll have on the menu.We would all agree that human beings are complicated critters. Though the care and keeping of the young aliens we call children is outlined in many good parenting self-help books, the actual process of shepherding the next generation towards tomorrow is still a daunting one. It’s a journey that despite our most cleverly-designed time outs and well-delivered imperatives, still sometimes ends in tearful fits and slamming doors. (And, that’s just for the adults.)So, what then is any reasonable person to do when attempting to establish a home with a new partner and become a parent to Jr.? Here are a few tips on how to make the adjustment.
1. Rome wasn’t built in a day: I know you’re thinking about skipping over this one to something about disciplining a stepchild who calls you “dog breath” to your face. But, this one is first for a reason. Give yourself and the child permission to take it slowly. Children have some important work to do when accepting a step parent. This may include resolving guilt feelings about their parents’ separation and negotiating an understanding that they can both have loyalty to their biological parents and accept you at the same time. From a child’s perspective, that’s like emotional calculus. It will take a while to figure out, and they might get frustrated with it. Sometimes, rejection by one of your stepchildren is not a rejection of you, but rather a rejection of the situation, the loss of any potential for their biological parents to reunite. You will also need time, and a safe space to talk about what it means to become a parent to children who are not your own. Therapy, support groups, and clergy members can all provide a forum for this kind of discussion. But if you can remain consistent, and most of all interested in getting to know the child during this process, you might be surprised by the results.
2. Present a united front: Children in any new situation will look around to find the boundaries and the loop holes. That’s not just kid nature, that’s human nature. Children in both first and blended families feel safe by knowing that they are not responsible for the structure of the household. It is particularly important for blended families to have open discussions about the rules of the home, and how they will be enforced. Write out the rules and post them somewhere in the home. This will not just save you some heartache in the household, but will enrich a sense of partnership in the couple. Kids are master detectives when it comes to figuring out how to play any set of parents, biological or not, against one another. Protect your union by sorting out parenting issues behind closed doors.
3. Taming the tiger: Discipline–see, told you I would get there. It’s not uncommon for adults in new partnerships to feel guilty about the effects the dissolution of the first family might be having on their kids. This is normal, and only becomes a problem if it leads to pardoning behavior in your children that you would have otherwise considered unacceptable. At first, primary responsibility for disciplining the children should belong to the biological parent. This is particularly true if the relationship between stepparent and child is shaky. As the relationship builds, the step parent can take on more and more
responsibility and authority. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to have clear house rules. In that manner, when the stepparent hands out discipline, he or she can rightly point out that the child has run afoul of the house rules, not the stepparent’s arbitrary preferences. No matter how well you get along, you can expect to hear at least once, “You can’t tell me what to do; you’re not my mom/dad.” Go ahead and count on it.
responsibility and authority. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to have clear house rules. In that manner, when the stepparent hands out discipline, he or she can rightly point out that the child has run afoul of the house rules, not the stepparent’s arbitrary preferences. No matter how well you get along, you can expect to hear at least once, “You can’t tell me what to do; you’re not my mom/dad.” Go ahead and count on it.
4. Who’s your daddy: Never, never, never (never to infinity) force a child to call the step parent mom or dad if the child does not want to do so. That particular title has already been reserved for the biological parent. A child may very well grow to know and love the step parent so much that she or he will want to use those terms. However, that should always be the child’s individual choice. Pushing this issue early on will prevent the relationship between step parent and child from growing and maturing naturally.
5. Ignore the Fairytales: Many beloved stories contain some interesting stereotypes about step parents. Don’t you ever wonder what Snow White did to push her step mother towards that poison apple? Or, what Carol Brady did to earn the immediate love and obedience of her three rowdy stepsons? Don’t fall prey to the mythology that abounds about wicked step parents. Step parents are just people; people who are stepping into complex roles and struggling to cope with grace and humor. Look for support from understanding friends and family or a trusted therapist. Children might also benefit from a safe place where they can express feelings related to their biological family and the new blended family.
Your Partner in Healing, Holly
If you would like to schedule an appointment or a free 15-minute phone consultation please feel free to write holly@lotustherapycenter.com or phone 407.913.4988.
