Ho Ho Holiday Happiness December 15, 2009

It’s that time of year again when all therapists, self-help gurus and health and wellness sites publish the obligatory note about how to weather the stress of the holiday season. We all know that article is creeping up on us, waiting to be written yet again just as soon as the weather starts to change. Usually, I dread trotting out the same handful of clichéd bits of advice that every other Tom, Debra and Harriet will be spinning. But this year, I have a few ideas of my own. Forge ahead faithful reader to discover my top tips:

1) Go to the family gathering and hang out with the kids: I’m not joking. Great Aunt Edna might want to discuss your lifestyle choices with you in great detail over a cup of spiked egg nog. And, ordinarily your refusal to get into it with her yet again might be taken as evidence of your grinch-like leanings. But who can argue with a guy/gal who is so filled with the holiday spirit that she/he wants to spend it paling around with the people who understand the holidays best–children? Besides getting you a reprieve from heavy conversations that can only lead to trouble, have you played with some of these new video games? Seriously, I really want Santa to bring me a Wii for Christmas.

2) Make presents rather than buying them: I really believe that there are some upsides to an economy that seems to forever spiral downwards. One of those upsides is that people seem to be feeling a bit more sentimental and less materialistic. Take advantage of this by using whatever skills you have to craft homemade presents. For instance, each year my brother makes me a CD of music he thinks I will like. My mother, a fabulous artist, has painted everyone’s gifts this year. You can make soap, cookies, poems, or toilet bowl covers. Whatever you do, don’t create a stress you’ll regret the rest of the year by overspending beyond your means. This is certainly a year in which people will understand.

3) Decide to have fun: Whether you’re at a family dinner or an office party, there may be a certain amount of performance anxiety involved. But, you can alleviate a good bit of this by simply deciding to enjoy yourself. It’s like deciding to run a mile and arriving huffing and puffing, but victorious. As I have pointed out before, your happiness is largely in your own hands. If you know your father is passive aggressive, decide now to let him own his behavior as you will own yours. There is freedom in removing yourself from emotional record keeping for other people. If you need help figuring out how, why not stop by my office for a pre-holiday chat?

I hope everyone has a very merry, happy holiday season indeed!

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

www.lotustherapycenter.com

twitter ID: HollyCoxLMFT

If you would like a FREE 30-MINUTE CONSULTATION to see how I can help you have your best year yet, please call me at 407.913.4988 or email holly@lotustherapycenter.com

Detoxing your Emotional System December 7, 2009

I’m sitting here writing this post with a piece of celery in one hand, and a glass of water in the other. This is a big accomplishment, since I would fully rather be hanging out with one of Starbuck’s finest soy lattes and a giant croissant. In fact, I should probably stop writing about the giant croissant (yum) and the delicious, frothy, sweet… Ok, really–I have to stop.

You see, I have realized that I want to continue to improve my overall wellness, and to do so I have contracted the services of a very nice, though disciplined personal trainer. I wanted to increase accountability in an area of my life in which I enjoy some guidance and support. And, to help maximize my efforts (or to relentlessly torture me) my trainer, Roland, has suggested a 3-day juice fast. I would have argued with him about that, but my legs hurt too much to chase him down and complain.

I find that mental health is like physical health. We develop habits and compulsions that are sometimes not good for us. That delicious croissant provides a measure of security and comfort as I eat it…and then immediately takes it away again when I put on my jeans and feel self conscious about how they fit. Similarly, many emotional habits can provide the same sort of one step forward, two back kinds of results. There are some things you need to start the detox process with right away. Here are my top three:

1) Drugs and Alcohol: Substances are fantastic. If you want to feel different, they can provide an immediate gateway to do so. But, they insidiously steal your power by getting you to believe that the only avenue towards feeling better is by quick, mainline methods. The truth is, you can deal with emotional overwhelm, shyness, depression, and anxiety in a number of different and more satisfying ways. But, this requires figuring out how to maximize your self-evaluation so you feel capable of doing it. It’s true that vodka and cocaine will always produce the desired “difference” if you take enough. But it leaves you like superman looking for a phone booth. You rely on an outside prop to effect the transformation. Let’s work on having that transformation come from within so that you can access it anytime, even if Leroy’s Liquor Store is closed for the evening.

2) Self-Injuring Behaviors: Self-injuring behaviors are absolutely addictive. Just like taking drugs, the act of self harm can release a chemical cascade within the body that makes you feel better and keeps you coming back for more. Most clinicians define self-injurious behaviors mainly as cutting or burning and excessive hair pulling or plucking. I include severe overeating, bulimia, and anorexia in with the group. Again, it is an attempt to change your inner landscape by working on the terrain of your body. Addictive behaviors like these are so harmful because of a real sense of shame perpetuates them. I think they are interesting though, in that the attempt to feel worse or better is a holistic one, involving both the mind and the body. In a perverse sense this is right track thinking done in a very negative way. Let’s keep the holistic mentality that both mind and body should be involved and turn it on its head. How can your therapy detox help you face the emotional toxins that are haunting you so that you can get mind and body on a track to wellness?

3) Poor Relationships: Clients often come to see me to break their addiction to people who treat them poorly. This could take many forms. Often, clients are baffled about why they fail to set boundaries with their families, accept friends who never offer reciprocal support, and choose partners who serially cheat, abuse, and lie. These folks are often living in a fog of misplaced control issues, guilt, and fear. If you don’t know how you participate in relationships, then how can you ever get clear about choosing people who will participate in a complimentary way?

So, why not come in for a preliminary appointment and see  how you can get the new year started off on the right foot?  You’ll start anew, detoxed from your negative emotions and ready to fill your life with truly good, nutritious emotional energy!

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

www.lotustherapycenter.com

TwitterID: HollyCoxLMFT

If you would like a FREE 30-MINUTE CONSULTATION to see how I can fit into your plans for a more balanced, joyful life please give me a call at (407) 913-4988 or email holly@lotustherapycenter.com.

How Family Therapists Read Minds December 6, 2009

It is mostly true that professionals from all different types of clinical backgrounds including psychologists, mental health counselors, and social workers are qualified to do about the same sort of counseling work with you. For instance, as a group we are a pretty empathetic lot, prone to be the sort with a tissue in hand and a word of encouragement on our lips. Despite differences in our clinical orientation, each discipline is trained to work with a variety of presenting concerns, troubles, and mental health disorders.

But, I am almost always delighted that my actual background is in Family Therapy. The reason for this is that I within a few minutes of meeting someone I can usually do a brief mind-reading trick that is directly related to my background as a systemic therapist who is trained to place clients within the context of not just who they are now, but where they come from. I do this by knowing an awful lot about sibling order.

You see, despite our accomplishments or failings, the  individual quirks and tics that make up the tapestry of who we are every day, where we came about in the progression of our brothers and sisters often determines quite a bit about how we make sense of the world. I, for instance, am a classic oldest daughter. Strong, nurturing and a caretaker, I devoted myself to a career in which I could take care of the lives of people for a profession. And, true to form, I married a youngest child who would compliment my more assertive traits with his ability to accomodate a certain amount of bossiness and shall we say(charitably), confidence in the way things should go.

Clients often express the traits that come along with their sibling order in the way they manifest anxieties about their relationships. Do they help too much and get themselves hooked up with individuals they will be forever rescuing? How about those folks who are forever choosing partners who dominate them and never permit them to have a voice? These traits are expressed everywhere we interact with others including our jobs, friendships, and romantic partners. And, imagine how your emotional worldview is further impacted by the degree to which you were excluded from or triangulated into your parents’ relationship. My training as a family therapist has allowed me to see people not just as solo stars burning away in their own dark sky, but as vibrant parts of a constellation of people who have directly impacted their hopes, dreams, and beliefs about who they are.

Why not contact me today to see how you can use the strengths of your sibling order to improve your life?

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

www.lotustherapycenter.com

Follow me on twitter! My twitter ID is HollycoxLMFT

If you would like a FREE 30-MINUTE CONSULTATION contact me at 407-913-4988 or holly@lotustherapycenter.com to see if I how I can meet your needs.

A New Year’s Resolution for your Brain December 5, 2009

Add this tidbit to the ‘news you can use’ column I know you all have percolating in that grey matter of yours. It may require shifting a bit of the info you’re hanging onto about fantasy football or how to make the perfect pot of beef stew. But, I think you’ll be glad to add this to your roster of go-to factoids.

I often tell both clients and myself that the day to be happy is now. Don’t wait until you’ve won the lottery of lost 50 pounds. Don’t even wait until your relationship is better or you feel more inner peace. As I secretly always thought, this advice is more than philosophical feel-goodism. Turns out the folks in the white coats are discovering concrete evidence that living this way does more than make you feel better–it may physiologically increase your capacity for happiness.

Science is now telling us that we have a sort of biological set point for the levels of happiness we feel. By that I mean that no matter how poor or great your circumstances, we all have a pretty consistent emotional range that we motor through on a daily basis–and it’s different for everyone. Imagine your emotional range as the speedometer on your car. No matter what may be chasing you, that car is only going to do what’s on that dial to do. This explains in part why it’s possible for a guy who wins the lottery to still be sort of ‘ho-hum’ about it and another guy who is suddenly a quadriplegic to demonstrate amazing resiliency. It’s literally genetic and hardwired.

But here’s the clincher to that rather sobering bit of news: you can change it.

That’s right, you can take what mama nature and the circumstances of your early life gave to you and mold it into something different. This is due to a fancy concept called brain plasticity. In the vernacular, that means that your brain can continue to change, and that by extension, you can change the direction in which it changes. In fact, the adult brain continues to make about 5,000 new cells a day. Whoa.

Though the research is still preliminary stuff, scientists are studying the brains of trained meditators to get a glimpse into how they are able to regulate their emotions and develop the parts of their brains responsible for happiness and compassion. And, combining this research with studies on identical twins who were raised in different households (but would have the same genetic capacity for happiness) they have found that a full 40 percent of how happy we are is fully in our control. Buddhist monks who spend hours meditating on love and kindness–literally forcing love and kindness into their brain–shape their brain and therefore their outlook in a very literal way.

This is lovely news, right? I think it is. But, it means that just as we must work out our bodies to get them to a position of optimum health, we must also exercise our minds regularly to promote happiness, kindness, and contentment. Good therapy can serve as a personal trainer for your mental and emotional systems. So why not give yourself the gift of a fit brain this new year? Give me a call and let’s make it happen!

Your Partner in Wellness,

Holly

www.lotustherapycenter.com

For a FREE 30-minute consultation and to see if I might be a good fit for your goals and needs, call (407) 913-4988 or email me at holly@lotustherapycenter.com

In praise of Thanksgiving November 28, 2009

I am the only person I know who has had swine flu.

I knew it was out there, marauding and claming victims left and right, but one tends to have a sort of personal mythology about one’s own immune system. Nonetheless, I found myself grimly slumped over in the doctor’s office not long after my son’s first birthday with a horrific Q-tip on a filament stuck deep into my left nostril to get a sample of snot. I squirmed, and  yes, cried a little, as a too-happy medical cowboy of a Texan doctor proceeded to blithely ask me questions about my weight, height, and family history of high blood pressure. With a chortle, Tex unceremoniously yanked said instrument of hell out, sent it to the lab, and declared me at one with the oinks.

To make a long story short, two months-worth of antibiotics and steroids later, I ended up in the hospital with what the admitting ER physician believed to be a mini stroke or TIA. Fortunately, the cardiologists who later examined me decided that my “TIA” was really a terrifying reaction to the long courses of powerful medications. But, that didn’t happen until after I had spent 24 long hours believing that I was going to have, as the ER doc coined it, “the big one” that might cut short my life as a wife, mother, sister, friend, daughter and therapist. It was the most deeply terrifying, horrific night of my life. There are no further words I can add to editorialize the bleak possibility that you might never see your son graduate from preschool, much less highschool.

The point of my sharing this bit of personal trivia with you is to bring up a discussion about gratitude. It seems almost cinematically appropriate that all this should happen in the few weeks leading up to Thanksgiving. In fact, I wonder sometimes about the cosmic timing of stuff like this, and I am assuming that there is not only a reason for it, but something to be gained by the experince. Existential pontificating aside, I am darn lucky to be here. And, I am very grateful to be alive.

Studies (yep, scientific ones) have demonstrated that those who practice daily gratitude, even in the form of keeping a simple journal of stuff that you are thankful for, are healthier. Think about that. I’ll wait. Not just happier, but healthier. Think about that some more.

So, poor schmuckos like you and I can not only give ourselves a case of the smiles by practicing gratitude, we can spend fewer nights with the good people over at ORMC. I, for one think that is a big deal. Clients often tell me that I have a “glass half-full sort of mentality.” And, they’re not wrong about that. I deeply believe that the individuals who do best are those who decide to focus on what is working in their lives and do more of that. That is not to say that it is not helpful or appropriate to do some life archaeology to see how we got off track. But, ultimately, it is the things that we have, do, and notice that are empowering that will get our behinds out of the sling and in a forward-thinking place.

So, as you devor the last of those turkey drumsticks, hoist high a big cheer of thanks. Better yet, not it down for yourself in your blog, notebook, journal, or fancy cellphone. Your health will thank you for it.

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

holly@lotustherapycenter.com

www.lotustherapycenter.com

If  you would like a FREE 30-Minute Consultation to determine if I might be a good fit for your needs, please call (407) 913-4988 or email me at holly@lotustherapycenter.com.

Free Central Florida Pet Loss Support Group November 28, 2009

I just want to remind everyone that the FREE CENTRAL FLORIDA PET LOSS SUPPORT GROUP meets the second Tuesday of every month. I love the group (and our long-standing members) so much, that it is truly on of the joys of my practice.

The group meets in my office at 1850 Lee Road in Winter Park at 7 p.m. for one hour. New members are invited to talk about the companion animal they have lost, or to simply sit and listen as others share. We also share pictures, drawings, poems, or any other kind of memento that serves as a special connection to the pet. Those who are anticipating a loss are also welcome to attend.

Collecting Good Vibrations October 14, 2009

Everyone collects something. I’ve known people who amass tons of all kinds of stuff. For instance, my mother in law used to collect chickens, and a friend of mine has a truly spectacular number of mermaids swimming across every surface of her townhouse. Me, I’m a bibliophile. I collect books. And, not just any kind of books, but books that are devoted to quick, uplifting sayings. When we move house my husband, poor pack mule that he becomes, often longs for the days when I collected tiny cow figurines instead. (Just as a side note, when someone gave me a figurine of a cow paddling a gondola in full Venetian garb, I realized that it was time to hang up the hooves.)

I am one of those people who truly believes that in every systemic fashion possible, what we put in is what we get back out again. The world is full of nasty news and draining statistics. Today alone, I learned that teens in Deerfield Beach set another child on fire, that a young woman was murdered by her boyfriend, and that SIDS can be caused by cosleeping with your children. That’s enough to make one heart heavy for four people. While it will never satisfy the old journalist in me to block out the news completely, I have learned to balance my intake of disempowering factoids with good intellectual and spiritual fuel.

A few of my favorite authors are Thich Nhat Hanh, Joel Osteen, Iyanla Vanzant and Schmuley Boteach. Clients have recommended Louise Hay and a host of other authors to round out my collection. If you face difficult decisions it’s always better to approach them with information that promotes feelings of resourcefulness, hope, and agency. What are your favorite authors? I’m always looking to pad my shelves!

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

www.lotustherapycenter.com

*If you would like a FREE 30-MINUTE CONSULTATION to see if I might be a good fit for your needs,  please contact me at (407) 913.4988 or write to holly@lotustherapycenter.com.

Orlando Group Therapy/Counseling for Women October 13, 2009

Every now and again, clients ask me to start a round of group therapy around a particular issue. Lately, the requests have centered around groupwork for women. I really love to lead groups, and only have my free pet loss group going at the moment, so it’s time to get another counseling group going.

Groupwork is a good choice for many people because it is cheaper than individual therapy. And, it fosters a sense of community that helps you understand that you are not alone with these issues, but rather one of many resourceful people who have faced something similar. I am considering organizing this new group around relationship concerns. But, I’m open to feedback from you folks about what would be helpful. I’m willing to offer a $10 off discount to the first 5 women who express interest.

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly
www.lotustherapycenter.com
*If you would like a FREE 30-MINUTE CONSULTATION to see if I might be the right fit for you, please feel free to drop me a line at holly@lotustherapycenter.com or call (407) 913-4988

Couples Counseling and Your Relationship: Nuts and Bolts September 13, 2009

Usually, the first question new couples therapy clients ask me is, “How is this going to work?” I have realized over the years that what clients expect relationship therapy to be like has been colored by TV and book gurus who are one part clinician and 3 parts side show act. This is unfortunate, because it gives folks the idea that a therapist may be all bluster and little substance. Or, worse still, may spend long sessions scolding, finger pointing, and offering grim criticisms that humiliate more than uplift.

In the spirit of informing folks that couples therapy can be a fun, enlightening process, here are a few basics about what you can expect in my counseling room. Every therapist is different, but anyone to whom you entrust your relationship should be able to articulate a clear philosophy of  couples counseling that is different from their individual work. Ask therapists what their training in couples work has been like, and why they are expanding their practice to include relationship and family work.

1) I think I can, I think I can: One of the first things I tell couples who are  contracting with me for couples work is that they can expect a pretty predictable pattern of with engagement during the process. First, there is some immediate relief simply by the act of triangulating another calm, positive person into the anxious escalations the couple has been experiencing. Then, after several sessions, there may be a brief backslide when couples panic about their ability to maintain new and different behaviors. Finally, couples relax into the process, make needed changes, and gradually phase out a need for a therapist to intervene in high-conflict situations.

2) Write it out: I will take notes during my meetings with you so that I can document specific information you have given me, themes we notice, and ideas we have for future sessions. I prefer for couples to bring their own journal to therapy as well, to take notes in their own words about what has been meaningful to them and to record homework assignments. Couples that do this have better success because they create a reminder of the conclusions they have reached in a calm, safe, environment.

3) Be Consistent: Remember that advice your doctor gave you about taking your whole course of antibiotics, even after you feel better? Therapy is much the same. We will work together to triage the most important problems first, and get you and your partner to a place where you can communicate better with one another. This alone will make you both feel better. But, to really take advantage of the counseling, it is important to work on the underlying issues that inform the symptoms that form the initial complaints.

If you have any questions about the process of relationship counseling, please let me know. I would be delighted to answer them.

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

If you would like a FREE 30-minute consultation to see if I might be a fit for your counseling needs, please contact me at 407.913.4988 or holly@nova.edu.

www.lotustherapycenter.com

Anger Management For Adolescents September 13, 2009

Is your child rude, difficult to talk to, or sad? We all recognize the most noticeable face of anger; those behavioral problems that manifest as blowups. But, anger can translate not only as an overtly aggressive child, but also as one who withdraws and refuses to communicate. If you feel like there is more going on with your kid than meets the eye, you may be right to be concerned.

Though kids may not appreciate parents’ interference in their affairs, it’s better to confront these cries for help before they escalate. As always, the litmus test for making any decision in your child’s welfare is evaluating if that child will appreciate you for it when he or she is an adult. No teenager will thank you for limiting his or her freedoms now, because that is counter to their developmental level. But no 25-year-old I have ever met inside my therapy room or out has been thankful to parents for allowing them to experience things (drugs, sex, autonomy) they later realize they were not ready to handle. So, with that in mind, here are a few tips for helping your angry teen.

1) Limit the number of violent things they watch/listen to/play: Experts estimate that the average teen has seen thousands of violent deaths depicted in tv, movies, and video games by the time he or she turns 18. We would be foolish to think that this does not desensitize our children to glamorized shows of anger. Think carefully not just about what you are allowing your teen to absorb through his or her media choices, but also about what they can be exposed to when they are at their friends’ houses as well. Keep tabs on who they hang out with, where, and talk to them about how to make good choices when they are not with you.

2) Be a good role model: Kids will do as you do, not as you say. If you routinely lose your temper, become angry and aggressive in traffic, yell at or hit your partner/spouse (or allow him or her to do this to you), and are rude and dismissive towards service people, your child will always model that behavior. They learn how to manage conflict and mediate stressful emotions from you. Consider yourself the architect of the blueprint for how your kids will treat their future employees, spouses, and children. If you need to get help to manage your own levels of stress and acting out, tell your kids that you are doing so, and then really do it. Parents are not to blame for all of their children’s problems. Certainly, some kids come into the world with tendencies that will be expressed in their behaviors. But, parents often have more influence over their children then they realize. Use it wisely.

3) Help your kids feel empowered: Resolving anger isn’t just about decreasing negative behaviors. It’s about increasing self-esteem so that kids feel positive about themselves and have more options in lieu of the bad behaviors. If your child is being bullied at school, be proactive about making it stop. If your child is the bully at school, help him or her get into counseling immediately. Some kids have a more difficult time fitting in at school than others. If your child is one of those kids, help him or her find another outlet like art, dance, sports, or youth groups at your place of worship.

4) Help your kids unplug and be part of the family: In the old days, when kids left school, all further communication with their friends had to go through the family phone. Now, teens are connecting around the clock via private cell phones with texting and social networking sites. The high drama of being a teen with any sort of social life needs to be mediated by the unconditional love and positive regard of being part of a family. Though they don’t know it, kids benefit from time to decompress from constant social interaction with their peers. If you’re not the one talking to your kid about his or her day, putting it all into perspective, and giving advice, someone else (much younger and less wise) will be doing it.

If you have any questions about how you can help your kid get off to a good start this school year and keep the momentum going, please feel free to drop me an email or give me a ring.

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

If you would like a FREE 30-minute consultation to see if I might be a good fit for your counseling needs, please call me at 407.913.4988 or email holly@nova.edu.

www.lotustherapycenter.com