Infidelity Wired: A Counselor’s Perspective on Online Affairs

This morning a reporter from Channel 6 called to ask me my opinion about a website that has gotten quite a bit of press lately, www.ashleymadison.com. I almost hesitate to even put the link here because I would be loathe to think that I actually helped anyone find this site and consider using it. However, after a busy morning, I might have been too late  in returning that reporter’s message to make it on the air.  Just in case they run the story without me, here are my thoughts on the topic.

For the uninitiated, this website is the newest form of online matchmaker. Think eHarmony or match.com fueled by a liberal dose of predatory immorality. The sole purpose of this  site to help married people hook up with others (married or not) for  affairs. Think I’m exaggerating? The catchphrase is “Life is short. Have an affair.” 

Now, I’m no prude. I’ve worked with clients who have a variety of sexual lifestyles, and it’s not ordinarily my place to judge them. But this is not about lifestyle choices between consenting adults. It’s designed to keep one partner in the dark about the sexual activities of the other, and apparently helps thousands of people abandon all notion of working out differences in an explicit way. Furthermore, the maker of the site, Noel Biderman, uses the negative press generated by the discussion of his website to exemplify the old adage about any publicity being good publicity. I’ve seen interviews with this guy and I think he’s absolutely ghoulish–dancing on the graves of destroyed families for personal profit. Biderman seems blissfully unclear why  broken homes and children who must suffer through the divorces of their parents should be any deterrent to making some quick cash. If there is such a thing as karma, we all better stand back. This guy is in for a real whammy!

The internet has changed the face of marriage because it allows for emotional affairs via email, chat, and webcam that can quickly become real-life encounters with people that you might never meet in your everyday experiences. The Ashely Madison site is a sterling example of how someone recognized this new frontier and decided to make money off of it. Going online brings up issues that didn’t exist in the past when there was simply one family phone in the house and written mail came to the door. How do we negotiate the amount of privacy we want for our email inboxes, the sites we visit, or the content we view? To what degree do our spouses have “right” to know what we’re up to when that mouse is in our hands?

In the past, affairs were largely opportunistic, started with someone a person knew from work, circle of friends, or religious institution. But that also came with a certain amount of risk.  People might start to notice, and word might eventually get out to one’s partner. Now, sites like Ashley Madison inject another layer of privacy into the endeavor of infidelity and play to the consumerism  that Americans fall prey to so easily. It’s like a fast food affair: place your order, browse the menu on the site, and indulge in whatever flavors you think aren’t available at home.

The Ashely Madison commercials suggest that we have a  ’right to be happy’ in a way that is individually determined,  and that happens in a vacuum from the people that we love. However, unless you grew up alone in the wilderness, you know this is not possible. We have to make choices in our lives between the types of happiness that we want. Some are mutually exclusive despite what marketers would have you believe. 

My clients know that I believe in absolute transparency with online activities. I think that partners in established, commited relationships do have a right to know what the other person is looking at, with whom they are talking, and about what. That inevitably makes me unpopular with some people in my therapy room. No, I do not believe you have a sovereign right to have your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend on your MySpace friends list if your husband or wife doesn’t like it. Nope, I don’t think that chatting online (or texting) with that cute guy from work after hours is OK. I think that at the bottom of it all, human beings are incredibly complex and gorgeously emotional. If we want to stay married (or committed) we have to respect that temptations exist not because we’re bad, but because we’re curious, sexual, vibrant beings. If we don’t create boundaries for ourselves and our families, problems will crop up quickly, and vultures  like Noel Biderman will be waiting to seduce us with the promise of a quick thrill.

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

If you would like a FREE 30-minute consultation to see if I might be a good fit for your concerns and goals please contact me at 407.913.4988 or holly@lotustherapycenter.com.

www.lotustherapycenter.com

Tales of Anxiety and Advertising

In general, I don’t expect people to come through my door and tell me stories of happiness and satisfaction. (At least in the early stages of therapy anyway.) But lately I have noticed a trend in my clients that is more than a little disturbing. They come to counseling rife with complaints that must be completely annihilated before happiness can ensue. Don’t get me wrong–I’m all for a big ol’ dose of the smiles. But, I don’t believe that we should all wait until our lives are tidy piles of organized bliss to take ownership of contentment or satisfaction. I’m reminded of a song lyric that goes something like,”life’s a journey, not a destination.”

For most of us to feel better we must get away from the idea that we must be anxiety-free. There is no such thing, and whoever told you there is needs to have his or her hands spanked. We are wired to be alert to our surroundings and to respond appropriately when in danger. That requires the tightening of muscles and cascade of bodily chemicals we all try to meditate, exercise, and generally voodoo ourselves out of feeling. This begs the question of how we moderate our stress and balance our lives without expectations of perfection that make us crazy. I am not suggesting that we all sit tight and bite the bullet when we feel anxious. But, I am curious how we can start to view mental health as integrative rather than an all-or-nothing affair.

Of course, everything in moderation, right? That’s right–even feeling crumby sometimes. Authors John Forsyth and Georg Eifert point out that we live in a “culture of feel-goodism” that robs us of our ability to take anything in stride. Media outlets everywhere keen to market their products tell us that we should feel, look, and be better and better all the time. Why, if we aren’t totally satisfied at any given moment we must seize that moment and dress it up with food, stuff, or experiences.  Poppycock! ( And boy, do I know of what I speak. I’m fighting off a commercial-induced Dairy Queen craving right now.)

I encourage you to take a look at what thoughts prevent you from living right here, right now. If you have a commitment to some far off goal of delirious joy that must be achieved before you can savor the moment, please slow down a bit. The way anxiety (and depression and a host of other maladies) rob us of our joy is by making us believe that where and who we are are not good enough. Isn’t it funny how popular advertising mimics mental illness?

The individuals that I know who are truly happy are not problem-free. Rather, they are free from the burdens of believing that they must never feel overwhelmed again to be happy. That is the perfectionistic demon of anxiety talking, and it has a loud voice.

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

If you would like a FREE 30-minute consultation, please contact me at 407.913.4988 or holly@nova.edu.

www.lotustherapycenter.com

Lessons from a Long Weekend

I hope everyone had a nice 4th of July! We spent ours eating too many hot dogs and frying ourselves in the sun. What better way is there to commemorate any holiday?

I don’t know about y’all, but that long weekend couldn’t come too soon. Though I used to be a total workaholic, I can’t hang like I used to years ago. Now, I am reasonably selective about the hours that I keep at my practice. I love what I do and I want to keep it that way. However, last week I decided to pinch hit for a friend and facilitate challenging, court-madated groups in his practice. Of course, that was along with managing my regular clients at Lotus. Whew,  was I tired by the end!

That experience got me thinking about self-care and how we integrate it into our lives.  Finding an oasis for ‘me time” as you run after dogs, kids, coworkers, and partners can seem nearly impossible. But, research from a variety of different disciplines points out that we are unable to function at out best if we don’t recharge and refuel. I don’t need to go to the lives of my clients to find out that many of us don’t do that–I struggle with it myself. I have discovered  that those of us in caring professions are the absolute worst at taking time for ourselves. I have had the pleasure to work with a good number of other helpers in my practice and have noticed that counselors and nurses seem to be the worst at saying ‘yes’ to themselves. There appears to be something about self-nurturing  that feels like self-indulgence for them. They are usually the clients that I worry most about when they leave because they burn the candle at both ends at home and at work.

So, as the summer continues to march along, let’s remember to fill up our own tanks so that we can continue to interact with others in the caring manner to which we are accostomed.

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

If you would like a FREE 30-minute consultation, please feel free to contact me at holly@lotustherapycenter.com or 407.913.4988

www.lotustherapycenter.com

Educated parents are strong parents: Hear us Roar!

In my last post, I mentioned that I am invested in making our area one that fosters a sense of hope and support for new moms and dads. to that end, I would like to use this blog as a place to post articles, websites, and resources that can help us make sense of our lives as the big cheese in our children’s eyes. Here are three of the best ones:

• Postpartum Support International:  www.postpartum.net  This is the absolute best source of current into for new moms and dads–I am a card-carrying member of PSI. There is an array of information about a host of issues related to pregnancy and the postpartum period.
• Postpartum Progress: http://postpartumprogress.typepad.com/weblog/  This is the most-read postpartum information blog on the internet. It is written by a mom who has coped with postpartum issues herself, and offers a ton of links to first person accounts of perinatal mood disorders and the latest research in the field.
• The Center for Postpartum Adjustment : http://www.postpartumsupport.com/ This is the site fis run by my friend, Ilyene Barsky. She runs a center for postpartum support in South Florida, and her website is a wealth of well-written articles.

If you need access to a specific kind of resource, let me know. We’ll find it together and post it here for other moms and dads to access.

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

If you would like a FREE 30-minute consultation to see if I might be a good fit for your goals and concerns, please feel free to call me at 407.913.4988 or email me at holly@lotustherapycenter.com.

www.lotustherapycenter.com

Postpartum Counseling or Bust?

I had an interesting conversation with a friend this week. As we sat down to a delicious slice of cake at one of my favorite local haunts, The Dessert Lady, (no she’s not paying me in bread pudding for that plug) I mentioned to my buddy, a really amazing therapist, that I was thinking of seeking out some of the lactation consultants, pediatricians, and parenting class instructors in town to do some free outreach about perinatal mood disorders. After swallowing a delicious bite of cannoli cake, she said something akin to this: “Holly, I’m just so tired of everyone telling new mothers how horrible everything is going to be, and how they’ll mess up their children if they even look at them sideways. There’s just no point in scaring them to death with awful things that probably won’t happen to them.”

I have to admit, I was taken aback. As I sat there silently, nodding at her, my coffee seemed to turn sour on my tongue. Was I, as she seemed to imply, a fear monger who was going to make perfectly normal women doubt themselves in their new mama roles? Were my talks going to be less educational than catastrophic? And worst of all, was I really going to make otherwise emotionally healthy women believe that they were defective? As you can imagine, these are thoughts that strike terror in the hearts of those of us who feel called to be professional healers. I came into this field to help people see that they are mostly better, stronger, and more resilient than they think they are, not make them doubt themselves.

I do have to agree with my girl about one thing though—early parenthood is a dense wilderness of competing advice about how to care for these new creatures we have brought into the world. I’m just worried that we don’t get enough solid guidance on how to care for ourselves. Supporting mothers is a delicate balancing act between normalizing the fears and tears we all have as fledgling parents, and offering more structured interventions when more intensive help may be needed. Mostly, it’s about offering information early enough so that women will seek help when they need it, and realize that having a rough go of it is not always their fault.

So, let’s make Central Florida a place where women and their families have access to relevant information about perinatal mental health. Feel free to email or call me with any questions you may have. If I don’t have the answer I will attempt to connect you with a resource that does know. You can also check out www.postpartum.net, the home of the most up-to-date perinatal adjustment information on the web.

As always, you’re welcome to contact me for a free consultation by phone (407) 913.4988 or by email at holly@lotustherapycenter.com.

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

FREE Pet Loss Support Group Time Change

The FREE Pet Loss Support Group is now going to be on the second Tuesday of every month. There is no cost for this session, and the group lasts for 50 minutes. If it will be your first time with us, please shoot me an email at holly@lotustherapycenter or call me at 407-913-4988 so that I can get a head count.  Also, there because I am attempting to make this a community of pet lovers who support one another, there is a group set up for these meetings on www.meetup.com. You can look up Central Florida Pet Loss Group and find our group page once you get to that site. A few of the veteran group members are members on the meetup site. There is a message board set up so that we can share information including articles or other resources that might be helpful.

I would be delighted if you could bring a photo of the pet you lost, but it is not a requirement. We love to see who we’re talking about. Please pass this information around!

Your Partner in Healing,  Holly

Pulling it back together Postpartum Style

When I rule the world, all the hospitals in the land will include a module about postpartum anxiety and depression in their classes for new parents. This would prevent new mothers (and their partners) from being blindsided, and spell out where to go for help. In this amazing land of mine, all OBGYNs will screen their clients for a history of depression and anxiety before or while they’re pregnant, and everyone that encounters a new mom from lactation consultants to pediatricians will band together to support her transition into parenthood. Don’t you want to come live in my kingdom? We also have free chocoalte cake there on Tuesdays.

The great news about postpartum depression and anxiety is that they are highly treatable. The bad news is that the stigma many women feel when admitting that new motherhood is not what they expected, combined with the fact that relatively few psychiatrists and therapists are highly trained in this area can make accessing services difficult. Highly publicized cases like the Andrea Yates tragedy, can lead new mothers to worry that they are going “crazy” or might hurt their babies. The truth is, that postpartum psychosis is a relatively rare phenomenon, occuring in only .1%  (1 in 1,000) women. More common are postpartum OCD symptoms which can lead a woman to be compulsively afraid that she will accidentally hurt her child. This is quite different than delusions and hallucinations that accompany postpartum psychosis.

Usually, the most disturbing thing about feeling bad after having your baby is that these symptoms come relentlessly at a point when energy and resources are at their most scarce. You may know you need help, but can’t imagine having the time or energy to make it to an appointment. It’s downright confusing when what you may have thought would be the happiest time of your life turns out to be the most difficult. Sometimes, even one appointment with a knowledgable clinician can pave the way feeling better. Here are a few tips:

1) Recognize your feelings and honor them: The feelings of anxiety, sadness, or detachment don’t make you mean, crazy, or a bad mother. Pregnancy and the postpartum period are a melting pot of new sensations, emotions, and situations. Even the most well-adjusted woman can experience intense, contradictory thoughts and feelings. These can be caused by the physical challenges of breast feeding, healing from labor and delivery, and lack of sleep, and exacerbated by all of the psychosocial changes that are occuring at the same time.

2) Consider all the Options: It is possible that your symptoms may be best helped by a combination of both therapy and medication. This is a difficult choice to make for many mothers who are concerned about the presence of medications in their breast milk. Most doctors agree that the small amount excreted will not harm the baby. There is no perfect solution in this regard, however I do have a bias about it. I am very pro-breastfeeding, and do so myself. However, I believe that if a mother needs to formula feed in order to maintain a happy balance, or to take needed medications that is what she should do. I have treated plenty of sad children with behavioral nightmares, with whom I could tell immediately that something in the parental system was not right (for instance, depression, OCD, anxiety). I have never met a child who was trying to kill his friends with the nearest Tonka truck because he had formula as an infant.

3) Get Yourself Connected: Parenthood is challenging enough without doing it in a bubble. These days, there are a variety of ways to get hooked in with other mothers. While support from your spouse, parents, and friends are important, they can’t replace the play-by-play experience of other women who are doing this new journey at the same time. You can find groups of moms by going to lactation meetings at our local hospitals, visiting message boards, attending functions at your religious institution, and going to www.meetup.com. In addition, there are mommy-and-me yoga groups available, and the Orange County library system hosts infant and toddler story time. 

As a new mom myself, I love hearing other moms’ stories. Please drop me a line and let me know how your experience is shaping up!

Your Partner in Healing,

Holly

If you would like  a FREEE 30 minute consultation please drop me a line at holly@lotustherapycenter.com or call me at 407.913.4988.

www.lotustherapycenter.com

I’m going cheap!

It’s a new year, and what could be more exciting than my new prices? (Well, maybe a trip to Fiji; I hear it’s nice there.) The economy is terrible right now, and affordable services are more important than ever. To that end, I am offering a FREE 30 MINUTE CONSULTATION, lower prices for individual sessions, and package deals that make coming for a course of therapy more managable. As always, I offer deep discounts for college students with appropriate identification, and FREE groups for individuals who have lost a pet. In the coming months I plan to start a low-cost group for women experiencing postpartum depression and anxiety. If you would like to be put on the waiting list for that group, please let me know.

Your partner in healing,

Holly

For a FREE consultation or to schedule an appointment, please contact me at 407.913.4988, or email me at holly@lotustherapycenter.com.

Happy New Year!

I’ve been in the holiday mood lately. Nothing puts one in the spirit like a nice trip back home to NC where it’s frosty and cold, and where one can get decent country ham biscuits. Maybe ham biscuits don’t spell seasonal cheer to you, but Bojangles (go look it up if you’re uninitiated) sure does put a jingle in my step.

 

Now that I’ve returned from all that pork goodness, I need to get back on track with my goals for spiritual, mental, and physical health and wellness. I’m really excited to finish a writing project I’m working on, and to tackle some of those late-night-pregnancy-cheeseburger pounds I’m carting around with me. Guess I’ll be having carrots while I’m burning the midnight oil, but after so many months of gastronomic debauchery, I’m actually looking forward to it!

 

If you too have put down the biscuits and are heading fresh into the New Year, here are a few tips to get you on the right track:

 

1)      Be just a face in the crowd—One of the most overlooked and terrible factors in both clinical depression and the more garden variety blues, is a sense of social isolation. I spend a lot of my time in the therapy room attempting to get my wonderful clients to take their show on the road and form meaningful connections. One of my favorite websites is www.meetup.com. On this site, you can find local groups for whatever you’re into. Really, I’m not kidding. There are groups for everything from people who like to play Scrabble to pug dog enthusiasts. Most of the meetups happen in public places. So, if you get there and think the rest of the folks look like total dorks, you can pretend you were just there for coffee and slink away unnoticed. But meetup.com isn’t the only place to look for new chums. You can try local religious organizations, your gym, or even volunteering.

2)      Tell it to me straight Doc—I am always advising clients to get a routine physical. This is especially important for women, because our physical well being and mental health are so closely linked. Depression and anxiety may be due to life circumstances or an organic mental illness. But, sometimes they can be linked to your method of birth control, thyroid problems, abrupt weaning of your infant, postpartum mood changes, or menopause. Don’t suffer in silence—let your health care professionals help you chart a course to feeling better.

3)       Rev the engine—You deserve a partnership that is firing on all cylinders. Schedule a session of couples therapy that is designed to reinvigorate your union rather than get mired down in problems. Let your therapist know that you would like to examine what works and get some tips on how to make it even better. I am amazed that couples wait until their relationship is sounding its death knell before coming in to see me. If you will do preventative maintenance on your car, why not on your love life?

 

 

Happy New Year friends! Let’s make it one filled with satisfaction, contentment, and an improved sense of self-worth.

 

Your Partner in Healing,

 

Holly

 

Postpartum Depression

Parenthood teaches you many things. For instance, this morning my son taught me that one can reach a certain level of exhaustion at which she will wear a shirt covered in baby vomit to her hair appointment. Then, he taught me that when babies with wet hands grab a hand full of said expensively coifed hair, it does indeed lose its curl. As the saying goes, “Yay, memories!” All joking aside, the post partum period is hard ladies– and not just on your freshly-done blowout.

 

Pregnancy and the first year postpartum are without question two of the most vulnerable times of a woman’s life. We are different physically, emotionally, and spiritually in ways that are difficult to explain to our family and friends. In fact, it is one of the few times in our lives (except perhaps puberty) when our worlds are rocked to their very foundations by such far-reaching changes. This is compounded by the fact that we are responsible for a new life at a time when we may still be experiencing pain and discomfort associated with the pregnancy or delivery. Experts report that symptoms of anxiety or depression occur in 10-20 percent of new mothers. Unfortunately, these symptoms may go largely untreated because of shame or self-blaming. Though women with a personal or family history of depression or abuse are most at risk, postpartum depression is a physical response to the cascade of biochemical and hormonal changes that take place in every pregnant woman’s body. Lack of support and other social and emotional factors can complicate the picture further. Even women who have no history of anxiety or depression can develop sadness and anxiety that is more than just the baby blues. These feelings are treatable with therapy and/or medication, and you can get help. You can speak to your OBGYN, psychiatrist, or therapist about how to get started. Here are a few tips in the meantime.

 

1)      Examine your Mothering Myths: There is an idea out there (or perhaps just an ideal) that all new mothers immediately greet their infant bundles of joy with fresh-faced glee and joy. Mothers who are ambivalent or scared about their new responsibilities often feel inadequate, different, or ashamed. Women can be pressured to express disinterest in things they used to value like work, social activities, or alone time. In truth, many women report that they did not bond instantaneously with their infants, but rather built a loving relationship as they got to know one another. And, there is no more perfect recipe for a good mom than one is engaged with her world in a variety of ways.

2)      Make time for Yourself: The superwoman our culture holds up spends all day working or caring for her children and never needs time to recharge. One of the fastest routes to feeling very overwhelmed is constant immersion with no reprieve. Even if your “me” time is walking the dog, ask for other adults in your life to help you carve out time to nurture your health, individuality and personal growth.

3)      Make room for Daddy: If he or she is available, let the baby’s other parent take an active role in the child’s life. You’re not the only parent who can change a diaper, quiet a fretting baby, or wipe a stuffy nose. In fact, do your relationship the favor of creating the expectation for balanced childrearing responsibilities from the start.